Simple recipe for a Christmas film.

I’m not a big fan of Christmas films at all – they all seem to feature Tim Allen or whatever he’s called. I like Love Actually, and that’s about it.

It’s now Christmas eve here, 02:26am, and there’s some random film as I’m flipping channels; I have no idea what this film is, but it was at a battle scene with ninjas and the like, then I realised some of them have pitchforks, and then a few seconds later there’s a vampire lady. This is all totally wtf worthy, which is great! So now I’m gonna lay down key features to a Christmas film I’d like.

• Ninjas. They must have pitchforks, and maybe we can get that Jackie Chan guy?
• A vampire lady: she’ll be the damsel in distress.
• Scrooge, but Scrooge will be called “Scrooge McDuff”, and he’ll be played by Steven Segal.
• It’ll have to have a good guy, so I choose John Cussack, because I like him, he’s funny, and he was also on the other channel.
• Needs Satan. Yes, Satan, not Santa. A film can never have enough Satan.
• Needs a cheesy school prom; how I’ll get it in there I don’t know, but it needs one, preferably with a Ska-pop type band – Save Ferris would be nice, but Reel Big Fish – Dateless Losers is a good track, and probably more fitting.
• Oh, it has to all be in the Caribbean, except when there are ninjas; those scenes will be filmed in London and passed off as the Caribbean ‘cause that’s what happens with films.
• I also want a U.F.O. scene, but that’d be a bit whacky and out of place.

55. Ben Folds - Say Yes; Live (Elliott Smith) [2:09]